Mental-State: No Food, Just Sleep

I'll be honest. I'm having a rough week. It's not a direct causal thing, not even really a lot of little things either. Just stuff. Just me. Just muck.

My appetite is gone. I actually do not care about eating. Hunger pains are fleeting nuisances that I can't be bothered to handle properly. It's not as severe as it was when I was in my late teens and the intensity of my stress destroyed all appetite and induced nausea. I'm not feeling like eating, and I am not forcing myself to eat, but I am also not feeling like I might vomit, so I guess that's good? Better than it could be.

This is the first time in ten years I have completely lost enthusiasm for food of any kind outside of physical illness. Even if I'm skipping meals, I am still eating popcorn and other snacks with my daughter in the afternoon, and I am not a small woman, so it's not as if I'll waste away anytime soon.

I had half a mind to post this on twitter as: "I just discovered this new diet-- Depression!" but thought it might be too glib.

Still it isn't a good sign, I know that, and it's usually something I would keep to myself and suffer through alone, but I think I have a good enough, respectful enough support network these days to hear it, be concerned, know to be careful with me, but not force feed me or try to take the place of a savior. I do not need that. I have had those friends/frenemies before, the ones who are so insecure that they see any weakness of mine as an opportunity to force help upon me, but without any regard for my personal needs, wants, or comfort. I may be a mentally ill person, but I am still a person.

So I am still alive. I haven't felt this drained in months and haven't had these depression symptoms since high school, but I am okay. I am still here. Luckily I have 10 years worth of eating more than necessary than balance things out for however long this specific thing lasts.

In the meantime, I am going to run self-care via sleep because it is something the rest of me actually wants to do.
I really need to write more, clean more, do more, be more...and instead I think I am just going to sleep. It is what I can do.

Until next time, here I am on the far side of the world, continuing to exist.