Saying Goodbye to Grandma: Part 1, Pre-funeral

Tomorrow we say goodbye to the funeral services for my grandmother-in-law.

It seems stupid to feel so much. She was older and somewhat embittered, and my only memories of her involve a lot of confusion on my part. By tone and context, there were a lot of guesses at probably meanings on my part, but she spoke in a way that was unintelligible to me. Was is keigo mixed with Miyagi-dialect? How would I know?
And where was she from really? I never knew. Most Japanese women of her generation (and a few following generations) relocated to the hometowns of their husbands, and she was likely no exception.

But the fact is I knew little of the woman.

We met for the first time the day of the quake, when all needy family members relocated to the best house in the family-- that of my parents-in-law, where my soon-to-be husband and I had already been living.
By the time I got to there, the sun had set and our strange lingering handshake was lit only by the flash-light my father-in-law held aloft.

I think I understand my in-laws now better than I did then. Before this, I had met Grandpa Nakamura, my mother-in-law's father who speaks plainly and is the reason why my husband also smiles with his whole face. Grandpa I have a chance of understanding, but Grandma Tsuzuki was different.

I am a little disappointed in myself for never mastering Japanese to the level necessary to understand her. That sucks and cannot be rectified, but I am more comfortable talking to my in-laws now than I ever have been before, so at least there is that, I guess.
I also feel sad about not showing her a male heir to the name. My husband is the last male Tsuzuki in this line, but we haven't had a son. I had originally planned to have 2 in quick succession, but one is expensive enough for now, emotionally and financially. Also, I don't know how I would keep up with two at a funeral. Tomorrow will be hard enough with just one.

That said, there will be smaller children and older children, all girls, all second-cousins to little Julia.

They'd been preparing for her departure for a while, and this is known by her frequently saying things like "Oh, this will be my last family gathering..." at every family gathering since before my daughter was born. When my in-laws bought a dress for me to wear to our Japanese wedding party, they also got me a funeral suit, which doesn't fit me now but speaks to how long this preparation process has been in place.

I think she is at peace, and I think she will happy to have her bones rest alongside her husband's. I think she spent too long missing him. But what do I know.

Tomo was nervous about asking her what she thought of him dating a foreigner way back when, but after we'd been together for a little over a year I think, he took a trip up here and broke the news to her. We didn't know which was she would go-- and it's hard to tell with older folk, here and elsewhere. Rampant racism and bigotry is not uncommon in people from a different time, but I was the first girlfriend my husband ever introduced to his parents, and our relationship was going to be special and probably would have continued without her consent, but it would have been easier with.

As I have heard the story told, my husband explained that he was dating an American, and Grandma's only response was, "Well get married then. And have some kids as soon as you can."

I'm glad she was in support of us, and I hate that I never really had a conversation with her, but I am happy to know that she is now at peace, and without pain.


We saw pictures they had been picking out for the dvd for her funeral the other day at my in-laws house. Her wedding picture was the first one out, and she was gorgeous. Tall and lean, kimono-clad with the ornate hairstyle that most Americans associate with geisha. It could have been a wig, of course, but I know nothing of wedding customs from the early Showa era. I know she wasn't a geisha, at least. I'm not an idiot....most of the time...


Tomorrow will be a full day of trying to keep everything calm and cool and collected despite everything else.

At least my black eye is healed, and my in-laws had time to take me out to get a new funeral dress/suit for the event. At least we found shoes my size that could be worn while chasing Julia. At least the $15 I spent getting the only black formal toddler dress in Julia's size and new shoes and tights in Sendai Thursday was not wasted, At least we're using my husband's company, so he can make sure things work the way they are supposed to.

And today I am also so very thankful that I had a friend who could watch my daughter for a few hours while I taught English.

Tomorrow is going to be hard, but it'll be okay. We'll get through it. It's only one day.

It's only one day.

All of the things-- Black Eyes and "How Misogyny Can Work for You."

Right now is day 4 with the black eye that my daughter decided I needed. It wasn't intentional. We were snuggling down for the night and she decided to lift her head before rearing back at full force, into my face. My grandmother broke her nose due to a similar action on the part of one of my aunts, I believe. So at least it's "normal" for my family. And at least it's not broken.

I wore make-up over it to walk across town the next day to get Julia to her music lesson,which went pretty well. They're trying to get the kids to do a lot of different dances, or participate in the songs in different ways, and Julia is starting to get it. I still don't get why most of the other kids are so calm all the time. If it were upper class America, I would assume medication. It's not though, so maybe they're just better scheduled and run around to exhaustion before the class so they are not so full of energy. Who knows.

The next day I stayed home because I didn't want to put on make-up and my good friend Hana brought me groceries.

Yesterday, I had plans to meet a friend in Sendai and my husband had the day off. He volunteered to watch the kid I could go have a nice lunch, so that's what we did. It was amazing, but I had to run to catch the train and in my rush, I forgot to put on make-up completely, so my bruise was visible to everyone, but I didn't get stared at too much more than normal.

I'll have to dress it up for class tomorrow and the next day, but until then, I am okay.

We've been watching a lot of Netflix. Julia and I even started into Yokai Watch, which she loves for the beginning and ending theme, and the cats. I like it in general though I can't understand it all (and of course no subtitles for anime) but there was one weird episode we watch the other day about a fart demon thing. It's face was the upside-down heart shape of a butt, and if it affected someone, they would suddenly feel the great urge to release gas in the immediate vicinity.
I don't know that this is something most American kids shows would deal with, much less in this way, but that's Japan for you.

Speaking of Japan, I recently read an article by a Japanese housewife, explaining the virtues of being a Japanese housewife, all the hidden benefits of being at this tail end of the patriarchy. How misogyny can work for you.

I do get her main meaning, but I have a lot of other concerns here. Probably because I'm not Japanese. I was raised in a dual-income household. Our house was never spotless, and I was/am a hoarder so it really was never going to be, but we lived just fine. The animals we kept as pets were taken care of. It was the 80s-90s and the idea that a woman's only way to contribute to the household was to do all of the housework, budgeting, managing of things plus whatever work or hobbies she might enjoy outside of the house would have been insane.
My mom did manage a lot of the stuff, because it needed to be done, but not because some archaic social norm was pressing in on her.

There are hidden benefits to a lot of shitty situations. Children of alcoholics or the emotionally volatile can become natural peace-makers and emotional bomb-squads, because that's how one might survive the impending doom that is a too-drunk parent, about to lash out for some imagined wrong-doing.
Children who grew up in households where money was poorly managed may become their own powerful budgeting machines in adulthood as they saw the errors fiscal irresponsibility caused.
The list can go on and on, but that doesn't mean these situations were good. The ability to learn something from a shitty situation doesn't give honor to the situation so much as yourself.

There are many things severely wrong with this country, and American for that matter. I'm not saying Japan is alone in the "Please Fix This Country" department. But the blatant sexist, misogynistic bullshit is everywhere over here. The amount of housework required for one family to live normally is astounding, and the fact that many women are required to do this on top of anything else they might have going on is very one-sided. It does not teach people that a household is a dual effort system. Nope. It's a man making money and a woman cleaning house. Because that's the only format they will accept, and personally I find that rather disgusting. Men can clean, too. Women can earn, too. I am happy that we have just enough going on financially that I can spend time raising our daughter, I didn't marry this country. I only married my husband.
I suck at Japanese house-wifery. I really do. I am not good at dismantling the front of my bath tub to clean out the inside (apparently something I am supposed to do daily), or dismantling the air conditioner to clean what is inside of it. Hell, I don't even do the dishes or laundry every day.
Because I am American. I work hard, but I also give a fuck about my emotional health and cannot do all of the things with a two-year-old giving me black eyes and bouncing around the house all day.
I do what I can and usually feel like that is enough.

I am doing my best, and my kid is starting to talk in complete sentences (in English anyway), and my house isn't completely useless yet, and I am already exhausted.
And I am sure a Japanese housewife would look at all I do and call me lazy, because my husband has to manage the money and the bills, and my house is always a mess, and none of the advanced cleaning projects is every done or ever done well (either because I don't know how to or don't have the energy) meanwhile I am sometimes sad, fat, and tired.

So in the Japanese Housewife category, I am an utter failure. I'm also a novelist. I'm also an alright parent. I'm also keeping myself as sane as I can.

Happy 8 year Japan-iversary to me!

Eight years ago today, I landed in Nagoya and started an adventure of un-know-able proportions.

There have been some great times, and some crap. All in all, I am glad for my time abroad and my chance to live the life I live now.

Today, I make a lot less money than I did before I left Texas, but I write a lot more. I weigh significantly more and consider myself a lot less "hot", but I am a lot more emotionally healthy and actually like me.
Pluses, minuses, and all else, I am calling it a win. I've made and kept some great friends and have closer relationships with my family than I thought I  would.

Life is good.

Today my husband had the day off so we celebrated with my (slightly burned) pancakes and lots of Netflix.
Tomorrow, he goes back to work and we go back to trying to get some stuff done around here. We'll see.

It's all going to be okay. Really it is.

And...It's Gone!

That's right! The last of my winnings have finally left my paypal account. Well, that was nice while it lasted, and I did slow my roll considerably and stretch it out. I spent most of it on gifts, helping out who I could when I could, and a box of meat from TheMeatGuy.co.jp.

And now I cannot pay for any more GISHers, and that's okay. Most of the rest of my team should have a little financial backing to get into the thing.

And I'll have to send my brother and sister-in-law the stuff I already bought for them instead of buying more stuff online.

And the sun will rise and set as usual. I have already come back to writing and submitting when I can. I am seriously alright with this. I did not waste the money, I used it, and I feel that I used it well,

Unlike the last time I made a little money with writing ($30 in college for writing a whole book) which straight into funding a party I didn't really even enjoy.

This time, I had fun.

Now, if I can get 20 subs in this year, I'll call it a win.

Today I talked to a few friends, had a sinus headache, and was still wearing pajamas when people came over. Then, my daughter was taken to the store so I could take a pill and chill and dress and stuff, and I did.

Then we watched Harry Potter, had popcorn and smores, and generally just had such a good time, I am so lucky to have friends.
Yesterday I had the most chill festival going ever at Aoba Matsuri with another friend.
I'm seriously lucky on the friendship front.

Now it's time to shower and get dinner ready, so adios, folks.

Tonight's Adventure

Today was Saturday, which is usually a little busy. The day began with me barely getting enough sleep, then dragging myself and my daughter into clothes for the day, meeting up with my in-laws, handing off my toddler, and walking in to work, where I found out that my class had been cancelled last minute, but my boss opted to pay me for the time provided that I did some writing to help with materials for older kids, which is pretty awesome.

I used voice-to-text to write the first draft in 3 emails that I will hash together a little later. I am happy with the story overall, but I'm even happier about having the chance to write it-- like those things I have been doing since I came to this country are actually profitable.

I then went back to work. When I came home for my short weekly segment of "me-time" that had been cancelled last week due to national holidays (if I'm not teaching, no one is picking up the kid), I managed to put together sloth-mail while watching House of Cards (almost done with this season) instead of cleaning the shower room like I was supposed to.

After Julia came home, I got her to chill out while I finished folding and putting away the laundry. When nap-time was definitely upon us, I finally worked my way into the shower room, spraying a bunch of chemical cleaner at anything I thought looked suspicious.

5 years ago, we moved in here, and I really wish they had provided me with a list of expected house-wifey BS before I said yes, that I wanted us to pay a lot of money to live in such a fancy little place.

Like maybe if they had explained that I would be expected to dismantle the shower drainage system to clean it on a regular basis, to the point of removing the front facing of the tub and scrubbing within, maybe then I would have known the extent of how screwed I would be as a non-Japanese non-house-wife. I could list the ways in which I fail at this all day, but I digress.

Today I discovered a level of gross-ness hitherto unseen as a chunk of gunk the size of an adult human ear came out of the half-dismantled under-facet weirdness I was trying to clean.
Thankfully I was listening to ACDC (if it works for tsunami wreckage, it'll work for shower gunk), and kept going, but thinking about it still makes me feel a little nauseated.

The light bulb had flickered a bit, but I didn't think much of it because it came back on. I made a mental note to tell my husband to pick up some light bulbs, since I assumed he knew which ones we needed and that they were special/difficult to recognize.

I finished what I could in the shower-room, put everything back together, and came back to wake Julia up from her nap. We watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and its sequel while I boiled some alphabet-pasta and made chicken nuggets Julia still had yet to touch.

Then Julia ran over to hug me, which would have been sweet had she not been soaked in urine.

I pulled her clothes off as I raced us to the shower room, only to find the room dark, the light bulb finally really dead. Our shower room is not set up in such a way that outside light is an option, and showering with a toddler in the dark sounds pretty awful. To my surprise, the bulb was a totally normal 60 watt bulb, the same kind I bought and changed in Texas. Checking the time (just before 8) I changed Julia's clothes, grabbed a jacket, and got us out the door just in time to find the home improvement store closed for the night (apparently they close at 8, not 8:05) so we re-routed to The Big (groceries, etc.) where I couldn't figure out which of the 60 W options to get, so Julia grabbed one and ran off. Then we picked up half-priced sushi for the husband but Julia had to choose a thing, and I agreed to buy whatever she wanted to long as we could go home...and she picked up a liter of milk.
Sure, okay, whatever kid. Shoot for the moon why don't you.

So there we are, in the checkout.

Fancy Times, yo.

We got home safe and sound, waited out the husband (who just got home) and now I am more than ready to take a damn nap.

But instead I'll put more dinner together and get us cleaned up for bed.

Yay, end of day!

April in a Nutshell plus Book Recommendations

So I was going to write a short NaNo Novel this month and failed, but started an interesting story and made more headway on an old one than I ever had before, so there's something.

I also edited a few pieces and got them submitted to contests and publications. 4 done for April, which means apparently I am doing that thing again. This time, I am not going to work myself stupid and burn out. This time, I have a plan, which includes several publications that accept things year-round and only doing this maniac submission marathon stuff for a few months. If I meet my goals for the next 3 months, it'll be more than 20 submissions, same as 2015.

One day, I might just be a writer, but this year, I'm not pushing myself too hard.

Last week I developed 5 canker sores at the same time, so I am trying to take things a little easier for a bit. I've also prescribed myself one glass of wine per day in an attempt to clean out the sores and chill out simultaneously.
So far so good.

My thrift books form thriftbooks.com finally came in the mail and I let myself start reading I Sing the Body Electric last night, which makes me feel a lot less like my writing is too weird for publication. It's not too weird at all. It's just not polished. Yet.

GISHWHES registration is open and I am excited about that. If you have questions, ask me! I love GISHWHES. August is going to be amazing.

Book recommendations are not a thing I usually do, but I have to say something here. If you ever feel like you're so weird and alone and crazy and sad and useless that no one can help you because no one is like you, read Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Didn't Happen and Furiously Happy. They are both amazing books for us weirdoes and anyone who is feeling a little out of sorts.
Bonus points if you're in Texas and like road trips-- you can occasionally catch the author herself at Book People in Austin doing surprise signings before whisking off back to her family and home.

Also, we had the best road trip I think we've ever had as a family yesterday. We went to Aizuwakamatsu city in Fukushima prefecture, saw a castle I had not seen before, visited a historical samurai compound, and had lunch at Denny's. That probably doesn't sound special except that 1) there are no Denny's in Miyagi that I have seen and 2) this would be my 4th time eating at a Denny's in Japan in the 8 years I have lived here. Also, the menu is completely different than American Denny's. The Japanese alternative is something like a middle to high class department store restaurant. It's a little weird, but its the only place I can get a club sandwich, and I will get one just because I can.

And that's April in a nutshell.

Year of the Writer

2015 was "Year of the Writer" as far as I was concerned. By this point, I had sent out between five and seven contest entries or publication attempts in an effort to achieve my year-long goal of Becoming a Writer, which I elaborated as "having attempted publication fifty times or more" in a somewhat arbitrary way.

The good thing about my perspective then was that it was not focused only on positive reactions to my writing. Any rejection was fine and got me one step closer to that magical number 50, and if I kept up my goal of one entry per number of the month (one for January, two for February, etc.) I would have more than seventy entries by the end of the year. I would be a writer!

Only that isn't how it happened. I had not calculated for burnout, and for all the minor heartbreaks along the way. Putting weeks of energy into a 15,000 word manuscript just to send it off and get no. reply. at all. was one of the final nails in the coffin of this idealistic projection.

After June, half-way through the year, I had to take some time off. The contest entries were drying up and I didn't have a bunch of options for the higher numbered months. In rereading the short stories that came back time and time again, I realized that they did have something missing; they needed reworking, and I no longer had the energy to do it.

I took of July to re-evaluate my goals. Was this writing thing really for me, if it was this hard? I mean, Neil Gaiman said writing careers are for those who perservere, but I was no longer sure I could do that.

So went the rest of the year, until I finally decided (after a friend's tarot reading and a lot of soul searching) that I would write when I could because I always loved it, but I wouldn't put so much pressure on myself to do all the things right now. My daughter is 2 and she eats a lot of time and energy. Life isn't over. We've got tons of time.

December came with another Nano mostly finished and out of the blue I got a message from the head of one of the contests I had submitted to half a year before. I had won! First place no less! With cash-money as a reward...okay paypal-money, but that isn't the point.

As a personal reward, I bought a box of meat from The Meat Guy and enjoyed turkey sandwiches for a month (a rare delicacy in this country) and sent some money to my mom because I love my mom.
And I spent a little here and there on trivial things, and tried to save as much as I can because I don't know when I'll have a little chunk of money like that again.

And now, finally, in March 2016, I have spent writing winnings on something writing related and bought a couple of Ray Bradbury books, including Zen in the Art of Writing, from ThriftBooks which was really cheap even with me being in Japan. Lots of books for less than $5 plus $5 shipping per item for international orders and it's like going to a virtual Book-Off that actually has what I want!

Yay!

In other news, I am doing Camp NaNoWriMo next month with a friend or two. I think I'll free myself up and just write whatever works for me.

A few weeks ago, I was excited about an autobiographical project, but that enthusiasm has died down to nothing in the weeks since, during which even putting the outline into scrivener involved juggling a toddler.
That was when I realized that writing is not a hobby. It's a job and I am not treating it like one.

This year, I am going to focus on getting Julia ready for school next year, so writing will not be on the main-stage for a bit, outside of NaNo months, but then there will be a few hours a day when no one is on top of me and I might have a chance to get a few things done.

Ganbatte!