Tomorrow we say goodbye to the funeral services for my grandmother-in-law.
It seems stupid to feel so much. She was older and somewhat embittered, and my only memories of her involve a lot of confusion on my part. By tone and context, there were a lot of guesses at probably meanings on my part, but she spoke in a way that was unintelligible to me. Was is keigo mixed with Miyagi-dialect? How would I know?
And where was she from really? I never knew. Most Japanese women of her generation (and a few following generations) relocated to the hometowns of their husbands, and she was likely no exception.
But the fact is I knew little of the woman.
We met for the first time the day of the quake, when all needy family members relocated to the best house in the family-- that of my parents-in-law, where my soon-to-be husband and I had already been living.
By the time I got to there, the sun had set and our strange lingering handshake was lit only by the flash-light my father-in-law held aloft.
I think I understand my in-laws now better than I did then. Before this, I had met Grandpa Nakamura, my mother-in-law's father who speaks plainly and is the reason why my husband also smiles with his whole face. Grandpa I have a chance of understanding, but Grandma Tsuzuki was different.
I am a little disappointed in myself for never mastering Japanese to the level necessary to understand her. That sucks and cannot be rectified, but I am more comfortable talking to my in-laws now than I ever have been before, so at least there is that, I guess.
I also feel sad about not showing her a male heir to the name. My husband is the last male Tsuzuki in this line, but we haven't had a son. I had originally planned to have 2 in quick succession, but one is expensive enough for now, emotionally and financially. Also, I don't know how I would keep up with two at a funeral. Tomorrow will be hard enough with just one.
That said, there will be smaller children and older children, all girls, all second-cousins to little Julia.
They'd been preparing for her departure for a while, and this is known by her frequently saying things like "Oh, this will be my last family gathering..." at every family gathering since before my daughter was born. When my in-laws bought a dress for me to wear to our Japanese wedding party, they also got me a funeral suit, which doesn't fit me now but speaks to how long this preparation process has been in place.
I think she is at peace, and I think she will happy to have her bones rest alongside her husband's. I think she spent too long missing him. But what do I know.
Tomo was nervous about asking her what she thought of him dating a foreigner way back when, but after we'd been together for a little over a year I think, he took a trip up here and broke the news to her. We didn't know which was she would go-- and it's hard to tell with older folk, here and elsewhere. Rampant racism and bigotry is not uncommon in people from a different time, but I was the first girlfriend my husband ever introduced to his parents, and our relationship was going to be special and probably would have continued without her consent, but it would have been easier with.
As I have heard the story told, my husband explained that he was dating an American, and Grandma's only response was, "Well get married then. And have some kids as soon as you can."
I'm glad she was in support of us, and I hate that I never really had a conversation with her, but I am happy to know that she is now at peace, and without pain.
We saw pictures they had been picking out for the dvd for her funeral the other day at my in-laws house. Her wedding picture was the first one out, and she was gorgeous. Tall and lean, kimono-clad with the ornate hairstyle that most Americans associate with geisha. It could have been a wig, of course, but I know nothing of wedding customs from the early Showa era. I know she wasn't a geisha, at least. I'm not an idiot....most of the time...
Tomorrow will be a full day of trying to keep everything calm and cool and collected despite everything else.
At least my black eye is healed, and my in-laws had time to take me out to get a new funeral dress/suit for the event. At least we found shoes my size that could be worn while chasing Julia. At least the $15 I spent getting the only black formal toddler dress in Julia's size and new shoes and tights in Sendai Thursday was not wasted, At least we're using my husband's company, so he can make sure things work the way they are supposed to.
And today I am also so very thankful that I had a friend who could watch my daughter for a few hours while I taught English.
Tomorrow is going to be hard, but it'll be okay. We'll get through it. It's only one day.
It's only one day.
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