It's been just short of five months since I wrote anything here and I am sorry. I think of things to write or things I need to get out of my head, and then life happens, and instead I play hide-and-seek with my anxiety and somehow I wind up here.
Since it isn't worth your time as a reader or mine as a writer to jot down every dang thing that has happened, I'm going to do a top 5 list. Or two.
The Best 5 Things to Happen Since May
1. We all got to the states safe and sound, had a wonderful time, and got back just as safely.
2. We all enjoyed playing with my baby niece and family drama was minimal.
3. I got to do GISH with my family, which meant cosplaying with my mom, which was fantastic.
4. We've had an observation day, orientation day and interview day at Julia's potential new school (in the rich Sendai Suburb of Izumi, made of and for the fancy, which I am not) and I haven't had an anxiety attack about it. Yet. Julia seems genuinely excited about this private school and it does honestly seem like a good fit for her (not because she's fancy, but because she's outgoing and kind <and fancy>).
5. In preparation for my trip stateside, I inadvertently convinced my family to take the Mensa admissions test with me. Due to some extra drama, we almost didn't make it, but in the end we did and I got in. I paid my (half-price, for half a year) dues the other day and am considering the next 6 months my trial period with the organization. American Mensa has a large online following and many subgroups that I did not expect, including paranormal researchers and doomsday preppers. I'm going to see if I can find some smart and/or interesting friends from far away.
The Weirdest 5 Things to Happen Since May
1. I got an in-person apology from one of the women who triggered my anxiety attack last year. Maybe my departure helped them understand what little weight they had to throw around or maybe she just thought that was what she was supposed to say. It is possible she genuinely feels bad for triggering not just a terrible physical and emotional event in my life but also my immediate departure from her company. I do not know why. I do not especially care.
2. Last week, a friend from middle school unfriended me on facebook after I responded negatively to a few shared posts of hers that I found in spectacularly poor taste. One was just a transphobic article, rampantly misgendering trans-athletes that they did not have the decency to name. The other was joking about how naive the citizens of Hiroshima and Nagasaki must have been when greeted with atomic bombs during World War II. I did respond especially negatively to the second one, though I did provide alternative reading for the first. She apparently took my comments very personally and it may have helped trigger a mental health scare. I applaud her for unfriending me. Either the mental health situation is serious and my calling her out for sharing garbage will really hurt her, which neither of us want, or she's making it up to manipulate her other liberal friend into staying by her side, in which case she should still stay away from me as I have no time for those games.
3. Today my brain mis-interpreted the back of a minivan in a partially shaded tiny parking lot (half obscured by a building) as a random guy in a large brown cardigan, sitting in a strange "man in his study smoking a pipe" sort of position.
4. I have somehow begun managing to run through dissecting traumatic past experiences and filing them away in record time. Last night, my husband and I watched show in which the plot involved a coercive sex act, and I spent a few hours remembering how much I resent some past relationships and all they stood for. It's not made better by the fact that now we're all grown up and have families and children, at least not when we still have mutual friends who praise them for their current skills at whatever it is they are doing. Not when I am still pissed off about ever having been with them. But if not for that awful relationship, I would have been less picky going forward. Also, I am very very happy that I got the chance to grow up before I had to latch myself to another person long-term. I'm actually really happy with my husband.
5. I have come to realize that despite a terrible lack of studying I have managed to come to a Japanese fluency level for average conversation being around 50%, given that they aren't intentionally using fancy words I don't know. That's not to say that I speak adult-level Japanese. I just understand more than I have any right to considering that I do. not. study. Also my husband's English is about the same level as my Japanese, but with a wider vocabulary and fancy accent.
Also, this week we survived a typhoon. It did wash out some roads and damage some areas near us, but we were fine. I did stop cooking dinner when the sound of the wind coming through our cooking vent started making me nervous. Otherwise, most things have been fine. I'm just tired. I'm always tired. We're reached the falling-asleep-watching-TV-on-the-couch-after-dinner phase of my life.
Still trying to clean my house. And edit my novels. And write a new one next month. Wish me luck?
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Everything I Think About Abortion
This is another post of things that keep circling around in my head and in order to not accidentally pour a whole essay into the comment on some pro-forced-birth post, I'm putting it all here. That way it's more likely to be articulate if I am forced to use it later.
I have never had an abortion and am unlikely to ever have one, but I believe firmly that they should be legal, safe, and available to anyone with a uterus.
In some states, there are exceptions for rape or incest, but this means someone who had pregnancy inflicted upon them in these ways must stand up and publicly accuse the perpetrator in order to not be forced to carry to term a pregnancy she had no choice in making. This includes anyone old enough to menstruate, which can start as early as the age of 8 in some cases. So the idea is that yes, the 8 year old carrying the fetus forced upon her by her pedophile uncle/father/neighbor/whatever must stand up and accuse said grown man of this, an act requiring courage that even grown adults frequently lack.
I want that child to be able to get an abortion. It won't be a picnic, but it will be better than letting pregnancy shift everything her brain and body could become permanently.
And if letting that girl get to retain some tiny amount of her childhood means a few grown women who enjoyed the sex they had and just don't want to have children get out of pregnancy without the hell of childbirth, I don't mind. I don't care at all. I'd rather they had the option if they so chose. There are still women who will carry their children to term and give them up for adoption and other who will put everything on hold to parent the little offspring growing inside them.
And if you're pro-forced birth, you may be thinking, "But Jessica, you have a child! How could you be pro-choice?"
And the answer is that because I am a mother, I am ardently pro-choice. Parenthood is a struggle. Sometimes it flows like magic. Sometimes it burns you to cinders. It should in no way be forced upon you. Not everyone was meant to do this job, and those who don't want to or aren't ready to surely shouldn't be forced to. Ever.
Not having forced-birth means having options, even if you're poor or broke or in an abusive relationship or whatever. Not being forced to carry anything that happens in your body for 9 months and then surrender the result to an over-crowded orphanage (for they will be in the land of forced-birth) gives the owner of the uterus options and hope.
But I'm super-religious!
Good for you. Even if so, 1)why should your religious have anything to do with how someone else lives their lives and 2) don't you believe the owner of the uterus will burn in hell for this anyway? Why not let your god have his vengeance on them later, as planned, as your faith dictates, and leave them the hell alone now? Or send thoughts and prayers, like you do for gun control.
Saying fetuses aren't people is like saying Jews aren't people. You're a Nazi!
Except no. You do know that Anne Frank wasn't hiding because she literally could not live outside of an attic, right? Pro-choice does not mean forcing abortion upon people who do not want it. It does mean allowing those who want it to have an option. Fetuses change their hosts' bodies and brains in ways that cannot be undone. Fetuses cannot be transplanted once implantation occurred. That means the ones that wind up in the Fallopian tubes must be aborted or kill their host from rupturing said tube. That means the only options are carrying it to term or removing it. Nazis weren't about options. Pro-choice is all about options. I don't want all pregnancies ended. I want people trapped in an unplanned/unwelcome/unviable/un-whatever pregnancy to have an option other than going through hell.
I am unlikely to choose abortion in the future unless there are serious and unexpected quality-of-life issues (like the fetus's brain is not contained in a skull and I would be forced to go through the hell of unmedicated childbirth in Japan just to see a genetic anomaly that literally cannot survive outside incubation) but I want every uterus-holding human in the world to have the option of safe, inexpensive abortion. Children should be wanted. Parenthood should be wanted. Neither should every be forced upon the unwilling, regardless of their "sins" otherwise.
I have never had an abortion and am unlikely to ever have one, but I believe firmly that they should be legal, safe, and available to anyone with a uterus.
In some states, there are exceptions for rape or incest, but this means someone who had pregnancy inflicted upon them in these ways must stand up and publicly accuse the perpetrator in order to not be forced to carry to term a pregnancy she had no choice in making. This includes anyone old enough to menstruate, which can start as early as the age of 8 in some cases. So the idea is that yes, the 8 year old carrying the fetus forced upon her by her pedophile uncle/father/neighbor/whatever must stand up and accuse said grown man of this, an act requiring courage that even grown adults frequently lack.
I want that child to be able to get an abortion. It won't be a picnic, but it will be better than letting pregnancy shift everything her brain and body could become permanently.
And if letting that girl get to retain some tiny amount of her childhood means a few grown women who enjoyed the sex they had and just don't want to have children get out of pregnancy without the hell of childbirth, I don't mind. I don't care at all. I'd rather they had the option if they so chose. There are still women who will carry their children to term and give them up for adoption and other who will put everything on hold to parent the little offspring growing inside them.
And if you're pro-forced birth, you may be thinking, "But Jessica, you have a child! How could you be pro-choice?"
And the answer is that because I am a mother, I am ardently pro-choice. Parenthood is a struggle. Sometimes it flows like magic. Sometimes it burns you to cinders. It should in no way be forced upon you. Not everyone was meant to do this job, and those who don't want to or aren't ready to surely shouldn't be forced to. Ever.
Not having forced-birth means having options, even if you're poor or broke or in an abusive relationship or whatever. Not being forced to carry anything that happens in your body for 9 months and then surrender the result to an over-crowded orphanage (for they will be in the land of forced-birth) gives the owner of the uterus options and hope.
But I'm super-religious!
Good for you. Even if so, 1)why should your religious have anything to do with how someone else lives their lives and 2) don't you believe the owner of the uterus will burn in hell for this anyway? Why not let your god have his vengeance on them later, as planned, as your faith dictates, and leave them the hell alone now? Or send thoughts and prayers, like you do for gun control.
Saying fetuses aren't people is like saying Jews aren't people. You're a Nazi!
Except no. You do know that Anne Frank wasn't hiding because she literally could not live outside of an attic, right? Pro-choice does not mean forcing abortion upon people who do not want it. It does mean allowing those who want it to have an option. Fetuses change their hosts' bodies and brains in ways that cannot be undone. Fetuses cannot be transplanted once implantation occurred. That means the ones that wind up in the Fallopian tubes must be aborted or kill their host from rupturing said tube. That means the only options are carrying it to term or removing it. Nazis weren't about options. Pro-choice is all about options. I don't want all pregnancies ended. I want people trapped in an unplanned/unwelcome/unviable/un-whatever pregnancy to have an option other than going through hell.
I am unlikely to choose abortion in the future unless there are serious and unexpected quality-of-life issues (like the fetus's brain is not contained in a skull and I would be forced to go through the hell of unmedicated childbirth in Japan just to see a genetic anomaly that literally cannot survive outside incubation) but I want every uterus-holding human in the world to have the option of safe, inexpensive abortion. Children should be wanted. Parenthood should be wanted. Neither should every be forced upon the unwilling, regardless of their "sins" otherwise.
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Stuff that has Happened
I do mean to write here more frequently, and usually get distracted by a dozen other things. Parenting and teaching eat a lot of energy. Suffice it to say I am surviving.
Complaints of the day:
Tuesday I noticed my appetite had vanished. This for me is a cause for alarm as it's usually the sign of a major depressive episode coming up and I don't want it. I couldn't point to any direct causes so instead I started trying to take better care of myself. It turns out teaching small children for an hour is great cardio and mental stimulation. I felt better afterward, until I got home and felt slightly nauseated for the rest of the day. That feeling dissipates now only when I am thoroughly distracted by teaching or sleeping. At least I have a job I like.
It wasn't until Wednesday night that it occurred to me that I might be anxious about my sister-in-law giving birth. I chatted with my mom, who is in the middle of the induction affair currently underway and that alone managed to calm me to the point of getting to sleep.
Being this worked up over a baby on the other side of the world in a time when I can offer nothing but text if they happen to be looking at a phone or computer isn't entirely logical but is also in its way just desserts. What exactly did my family and friends go through 5 years ago, when I was confined to Japanese hospitalized bed-rest for half the pregnancy? I didn't even get to tell them when I went into labor because I gave my purse to my mother-in-law who wouldn't have been able to a) use an app on my smartphone or b) do so in English to communicate with my family. They had to be nervous for me, too, and they had to, as I have to now, put some level of faith and trust in the decisions already made and the help they are already receiving. It's scary, but it will be okay.
I also realized two days ago that one of my back molars has partially shattered, leaving a gaping hole in the enamel that seemed to occur literally overnight. Chewing on that side isn't as painful as I would have expected and the tooth isn't stabbing into anything else, as a wisdom tooth on the other side did when I was teaching high school 11 years ago. While I know adulting for me in this position is sucking up the nausea and walking over to the dental clinic to make an appointment today, I don't think I will. Not until my niece is out and my sister-in-law is safe and well. Not until I can guarantee that this issue is anxiety and not something more contagious. Not until I know I won't accidentally vomit on the one dentist I trust in this country to do the job well, kindly, quickly, and while treating me like a person.
So today I am writing and relaxing as much as I can. Hopefully that helps distract and relax me until everything else settles down.
Other things I did recently:
During Golden Week I visited a haunted-looking abandoned amusement park with a friend and took creepy pictures for fun. I also moved all the furnishing's from Julia's then-bedroom (former nursery/tatami room) to her new bedroom, and moved everything from that "spare" room into the tatami room. With the last day of Japan's week-long holiday, Tomo, Julia and I went to Yamagata where we climbed the 1,050 steps of Yamadera (a temple on a mountain) and I saw wild Japanese monkeys for the first time in my nearly 11 years here. Then we went to Lina World, a tiny amusement park that was practically vacant and therefor a lot of fun. No lines, lots of little rides that Julia could enjoy, even a 2 story Hello-Kitty-themed carousel that was playing an orchestration of a Gackt song.
So we had a good break, and things have been mostly well, aside from the anxiety and nausea and all that.
Complaints of the day:
Tuesday I noticed my appetite had vanished. This for me is a cause for alarm as it's usually the sign of a major depressive episode coming up and I don't want it. I couldn't point to any direct causes so instead I started trying to take better care of myself. It turns out teaching small children for an hour is great cardio and mental stimulation. I felt better afterward, until I got home and felt slightly nauseated for the rest of the day. That feeling dissipates now only when I am thoroughly distracted by teaching or sleeping. At least I have a job I like.
It wasn't until Wednesday night that it occurred to me that I might be anxious about my sister-in-law giving birth. I chatted with my mom, who is in the middle of the induction affair currently underway and that alone managed to calm me to the point of getting to sleep.
Being this worked up over a baby on the other side of the world in a time when I can offer nothing but text if they happen to be looking at a phone or computer isn't entirely logical but is also in its way just desserts. What exactly did my family and friends go through 5 years ago, when I was confined to Japanese hospitalized bed-rest for half the pregnancy? I didn't even get to tell them when I went into labor because I gave my purse to my mother-in-law who wouldn't have been able to a) use an app on my smartphone or b) do so in English to communicate with my family. They had to be nervous for me, too, and they had to, as I have to now, put some level of faith and trust in the decisions already made and the help they are already receiving. It's scary, but it will be okay.
I also realized two days ago that one of my back molars has partially shattered, leaving a gaping hole in the enamel that seemed to occur literally overnight. Chewing on that side isn't as painful as I would have expected and the tooth isn't stabbing into anything else, as a wisdom tooth on the other side did when I was teaching high school 11 years ago. While I know adulting for me in this position is sucking up the nausea and walking over to the dental clinic to make an appointment today, I don't think I will. Not until my niece is out and my sister-in-law is safe and well. Not until I can guarantee that this issue is anxiety and not something more contagious. Not until I know I won't accidentally vomit on the one dentist I trust in this country to do the job well, kindly, quickly, and while treating me like a person.
So today I am writing and relaxing as much as I can. Hopefully that helps distract and relax me until everything else settles down.
Other things I did recently:
During Golden Week I visited a haunted-looking abandoned amusement park with a friend and took creepy pictures for fun. I also moved all the furnishing's from Julia's then-bedroom (former nursery/tatami room) to her new bedroom, and moved everything from that "spare" room into the tatami room. With the last day of Japan's week-long holiday, Tomo, Julia and I went to Yamagata where we climbed the 1,050 steps of Yamadera (a temple on a mountain) and I saw wild Japanese monkeys for the first time in my nearly 11 years here. Then we went to Lina World, a tiny amusement park that was practically vacant and therefor a lot of fun. No lines, lots of little rides that Julia could enjoy, even a 2 story Hello-Kitty-themed carousel that was playing an orchestration of a Gackt song.
So we had a good break, and things have been mostly well, aside from the anxiety and nausea and all that.
Monday, March 18, 2019
Long Time No See
Sorry for the several-month hiatus.
I am okay. Solidly okay right now. My mental health is well enough that I can look back at the last few months and appreciate the difference between the two. February always hits me hard. It's the tail end of a season I've never been fully prepared for and despite planning and prepping for more this past season than any winter before, I still had some hard moments, but briefer this time, and I had ammunition to fight back.
I've been playing a lot of Skyrim. I know. I am late to every game. I like it that way. My daughter and I always beat Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime the other day. On easy mode. She's five. It was a surprising amount of fun and we both learned a little more about not panicking when things are scary.
Her 2-3 week long spring break is about to begin.
Today we bought tickets for our America trip in summer this year, a previously unexpected voyage to visit my mom, brother, sister-in-law, and tiny little niece who is expected to be joining us in the breathing world here in about 2 months. My mom is betting on sooner, but there's no telling. My dad will also be joining us for the festivities and was the one generous enough to ensure our ability to come. There is no way we could afford those tickets otherwise.
Now the little one is preparing popcorn so we can play video games. It's going to be a fun afternoon.
I am trying to take things as they come and actually enjoy a little more instead of forcing myself to do as much as I can in the hopes of feeling worthy of having time off. Instead, I'm having my time while I can. Soon my kid will eat all of it. At least for a few weeks.
I am okay. Solidly okay right now. My mental health is well enough that I can look back at the last few months and appreciate the difference between the two. February always hits me hard. It's the tail end of a season I've never been fully prepared for and despite planning and prepping for more this past season than any winter before, I still had some hard moments, but briefer this time, and I had ammunition to fight back.
I've been playing a lot of Skyrim. I know. I am late to every game. I like it that way. My daughter and I always beat Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime the other day. On easy mode. She's five. It was a surprising amount of fun and we both learned a little more about not panicking when things are scary.
Her 2-3 week long spring break is about to begin.
Today we bought tickets for our America trip in summer this year, a previously unexpected voyage to visit my mom, brother, sister-in-law, and tiny little niece who is expected to be joining us in the breathing world here in about 2 months. My mom is betting on sooner, but there's no telling. My dad will also be joining us for the festivities and was the one generous enough to ensure our ability to come. There is no way we could afford those tickets otherwise.
Now the little one is preparing popcorn so we can play video games. It's going to be a fun afternoon.
I am trying to take things as they come and actually enjoy a little more instead of forcing myself to do as much as I can in the hopes of feeling worthy of having time off. Instead, I'm having my time while I can. Soon my kid will eat all of it. At least for a few weeks.
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