Golden week is over, and we mostly just relaxed at home, sometimes with friends. We also went out to Sendai once and watched all the Marvel movies we missed courtesy of Amazon streaming with Tomo on his one day off during the week.
Then came today, a day I was so looking forward to. I've noticed that a lack of time spent alone makes me somewhat more irritable than usual. I don't like snapping at my toddler for little reason, so I was really happy about having time to recharge...
And then she was sick,
She had a bit of a fever, so Tomo called off the school bus and I surrendered my plans for the day, keeping an eye on her temperature.
I also needed a walk. I also needed to relax somehow. I also needed a bit of time away from the hyper-yet-feverish kid, and in the end I screwed everything up by not alerting my in-laws the second her temp was over 38 (it oscillated between 37.5 and 38.1, making me wary of our equipment's readings) and rushing to the hospital. In Japan, this visit is free and the medicine is free, but everything must be done before 10:30 AM, which it wasn't.
Around 11, Tomo came home, called his parents, got us picked up and went back to work. Julia was right at 39. We went off to the hospital, which told us we were too late, then to the clinic where we got flu shots before. The doc fit us in just before lunch and took a nose swab, which came back in a few minutes confirming 1) a viral presence and 2) not the flu. He wrote us a little prescription and we went across the street to get it filled.
Because it was our first time at that pharmacy, we had to fill out a questionnaire and I discovered something new: My Mother-in-law is apparently tired of my shit.
Tomo fills out all the paperwork for everything we do. He chose the complex kanji for our daughter's name. I can't even read the questions on this form, and my mother-in-law is just looking at me, asking why I can't fill it out on my own.
I tell her I don't know Julia's kanji. I don't tell her that I spent the weekend filling out submission forms to the grocery store's seasonal write-in contest, where my kanji for my fairly complex address has improved greatly, but is still awkward. I did not explain how little time there is for study when I am trying to do all the other things they want me to do (lose 80 pounds, clean the house, maintain sanity) and take care of the three-year-old. I still don't even know where she caught this stupid virus.
My MIL, exasperated, writes the form in sloppy kanji. She read and tried to simplify the form for me to circle the answers on. A lot of it was not actually understandable to me. By this point, my embarrassment was verging toward self-loathing.
There was a question about allergies.
According to a recent blood test, Julia is not allergic to anything. This is in spite of the fact that she breaks out in hives every time she eats anything with the tiniest amount of peaches in it. Apparently that's not an allergic reaction in this case, and apparently this isn't weird in Japan. Some kids have immune systems that have to get used to certain things (egg whites and some kinds of fruit) which usually happens after a few years. The most you can do is treat the symptoms by having some medicine (not over-the-counter) on hand for those times. All of Julia's medicine for her peach-related attacks has been used.
We marked "No" on the allergy form and went on. We got the medicine, my MIL spent $6 on that and some cool packs for my daughter's head and the back of her neck, and we went on our way.
Under the guise of assistance, my MIL brought the 2 extremely light bags of things up to the apartment where she got to peek into my messy living room and appraise my lack-luster cleaning skills.
In my defense, I couldn't get crap done with Julia home all week and did actually manage to clean well enough to have a decent gathering for Star Wars Day, so I did my best. This was not a hell-hole.
Still I know she would never let anyone she loved live in such a place.
And I am trying my best.
But it just isn't good enough.
I never felt this way in school. Ever. Like seriously, even when I barely studied for Hellenistic Greek at 8AM, I felt more confident walking into that mid-term and final than I have ever felt in this hard-core Japanese Housewife Skills Test that is my everyday life and that I so thoroughly suck at.
And it doesn't really matter what I do, see? If I think we need a walk and we take a walk then obviously we should have stayed home and called everyone we know to discuss the readings on the thermometer. Whatever the situation is, I should assess the answer choices and immediately eliminate anything that makes sense to me, choosing only the most stressful or peculiar option.
I started having time to myself last month, so I started walking a lot and trying to jump-start this weight loss thing, acknowledging that it is probably the longest process in the multi-pronged list that is left between my current position and the expectations I am failing to meet.
Cleaning and organizing has also begun, including finally cleaning off the dining table and building a small book shelf with Hana's help. More salads, fewer carbs, constantly checking my daughter's uniform for spots to clean...I'm not exactly drowning in actual free time. I am trying to do all of the things.
And I am failing.
So, while Julia ate her lunch and I washed the dishes in the sink, I battled through some dark contemplation. I pulled myself back to the present long enough to get Julia to take her medicine and deliver her a tiny ice cream from the fridge as a reward.
I rinsed and de-labeled the plastic recycling while by brain dove back into less pleasant topics. When the recycling in the house was done, a tiny surge of accomplishment stirred within. Coming out the other side of internalized-garbage-land, I elected to write down some things I would like to see/do before I die. For this I chose the front page of my schedule book, where I will see this list every time I open the book. The biggest and boldest item there is USING THE WHOLE HOARD, which I later realized would of course take more than an afternoon. I hoard crafting supplies and fabric. This is not a short-term goal, but it should be done before I am incapacitated, pregnant again, or dead-- I would be saddling someone else with sorting through or trashing all that junk otherwise and I would rather have it all used.
The goal is to make stuff people actually want or need out of all the things without replacing the hoard.
Julia fell asleep on the couch after finishing her late lunch. I also chose to take a nap, which ended abruptly when Julia woke up after an hour. My mood had improved a bit.
I got Julia to drink more fluids and noticed that her wrist was covered with hives. Thankfully we still have medicated cream and after using it on the splotches, Julia appears to be free of the itchy bumps. Around this point, I decided finally that I could eat something, so I had a bowl of granola. The only way I thought I could even attempt to do what all they want in the time frame they have in mind is through starvation, but with more logic alive in my mind, I know that way lies madness. And fever. Whatever virus Julia caught will kick my ass if I don't keep myself fed and healthy.
So now we're here and I am talking online about things I don't really want everyone knowing but at the same time, if this helps anyone else re-assess and choose life, then it deserves a place in cyberspace.
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