So it is girls' day here in Japan and we had lunch with my in-laws to celebrate. They wanted to set up the dolls at our house but we didn't ever have time (or space) so they set up the top tier (emperor and empress only, plus flowers and lanterns) at their home atop the piano.
What we didn't count on was Grandpa Nakamura, who we love very much, being there in the house as well. Of course no one minds spending time with Grandpa Nakamura-- my mother-in-law's father-- as he's always happy to greet everyone with a warm smile and even uses a few words of English now and again. This time, we found him sitting at the dining table, shying away from our glances and speaking so softly as to barely be heard. He tried to be polite, but was a little scared and a little shy.
I've always liked Grandpa Nakamura partially because he is where my husband gets the ability to smile with his whole face (an uncommon trait in this country) and because he tends to speak plainly, but with a warm tone, so I can usually get the gist of what he's saying.
Grandpa celebrated his 90th birthday a few weeks ago and we all went out and had a great dinner where Julia actually ate something and only spent half of the evening rolling on the floor. That's an improvement, sadly enough.
Well, today we found out that Grandpa has been having memory issues, and is now living with his daughter and her husband so they can help take care of him.
My mother-in-law whispered the new sad stories of his current progress to my husband while we waited to wash our hands at the sink by the shower room before eating. I caught 50%, I'd like to say, but not a useful 50. Tomo had to clarify.
Then he tried to walk away.
I know they're good at the whole face-hiding thing and I am bad at that, even for an American. There are people I know from my home country (hell, from my hometown) who can lie to your face and make you believe it while they hold every emotion back, showing you only an almost Vulcan face of emotionlessness.
And I can't do that. At all. I started crying and made him come back and hold me. I thought I would get it together after that but couldn't make it work for a few minutes.
On the upside, I could let the tears roll silently, which I couldn't do 10 years ago. I couldn't stop, though. And Tomo and his mom were perfectly together, and I admire their strength so much. 5 years ago, I would have felt stupid and angry at myself for not being able to hold it together better while my mother-in-law is oscillating between happy and normal on the outside.
I guess I don't really have an outside. I have me. This molten core of burbling emotion, that's me.
On the upside, my husband and in-laws don't have to worry about who I am inside. They see me. They can't not. I'm right there, heart exposed, every second of every day.
Like an idiot.
An almost brave but also terrified idiot.
I did finally stop the tears from falling. It kind of helped that my father in law also had to wipe his face and blow his nose after I came out and couldn't stop wiping the tears from my face.
After a few minutes, Tomo and his parents began talking about silly things that were happening and Julia was wandering around talking to everyone. Grandpa Nakamura laughed, and for a few minutes he really was his old self again.
This is the beginning of a long and very depressing road.
But at least we're on it together.
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